I do not really know what to write, but I am sitting here, with a half drunk cup of tea gone cold, huge headphones on and with a happy tiredness of a day full of work. And I have had this tab open on my laptop as I made spreadsheets and paid bills and I want to type…

Things have happened in the past few weeks that have made me utter quietly and under my breath ‘maybe I am trying to grow up’ and in the same breath ‘i know absolutely nothing but at least I am learning’

It is the eternal tension in my life of trying to move and develop and grow while still allowing myself to know nothing and learn learn learn. I grew up so used to knowing nothing, in a family of people I would call geniuses and always the youngest; it made sense for so long to allow other people to answer for me and fix things for me.

But now, with the grand age of 25 quickly coming up, I am trying to figure out what it means to live as an adult, to organise life in your own way, without running to others for all the answers. How to take responsibility for house and garden and body and soul…

As my friends put rings on fingers, buy cars and houses, I sit in my room in Romania on such a different path to them, wandering if I will ever grow up or understand what that actually means. And then asking the question ‘why do I think those things equal adulthood, when I know these people and they aren’t that different to me? I moved country – isn’t that quite a grown up thing to do??’

Maybe my perception is all wrong but I am learning, I am still learning.

Anyway I think it is time I let my body sleep since there my eyes are drooping…



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