It is two minutes to midnight as i write this. Today has been on of those days in which I feel like a tiny bit of wind could have knocked me right over and winded me.
Some days I feel invincible, where I can shout my opinion as loud as I want to, and have complete satisfaction and knowledge of who I am. Sometimes I wake up and believe I have within me somewhere the capacity to change the world. That somewhere in my brain and heart I can right all the wrongs and have a crazy adventure of a life.
Other days I am not sure I should have gotten out of bed in the first place.
But I realised half way through the day that I so often forget where my home is, where my rest is, where my certainty and satisfaction comes from. That nothing in this small 5’1 body can give me all I need. I forgot somewhere between yesterday around 6pm and this afternoon that my life strength comes from God.
That the days I spend feeling restless and unsure happen when I do not spend time with Him. With the creator of the universe. I find it far too easy to suspend time with Him for YouTube videos, dinners and life admin.
When you Love someone all you want to do is spend time with them. All you need is to spend time with them; they give you strength and love and breath. You somehow make your home within them and they within you.
So how can it be that I suspend time with the person I love most. That where I cannot breath for the thoughts in my head, I cannot see that it is because I did not spend time with Him.
Oh how I have missed out on those minutes and hours that could have been spent. Oh how I have missed them.
Where my beloved romances me and loves me, in ways I long for and ways I cannot imagine. Oh how I have missed those hours of peace for my brain and peace for my soul. Where He lifts off these un-needed burdens and pains. Where He heals my broken heart and my battered down spirit.
Oh how Good He is, oh how wildly beautiful He is when He takes me in His arms and shows me what it is to dance in sunflower fields and asks me to partner with Him to fix a broken world.
Those hours and days where He breaths His breath into me so that I have the ability to change the world because He lives within me, He makes a home within me.