I’m scared to do it, so I will…

I wrote this post a month ago and was not brave enough to publish it in the moment. I so often do that; write something I am to scared to publish. But then I read something today which made me think about what I wanted this little internet space to be and so I am publishing it.

This space is for honesty and truth, it is a piece of my life for me to look back on, but also for people – anyone who feels like it, to see, to glimpse inside my head and my processing and photos and life.

So here it is, the processing of a month ago, when I was so tired and low and trying to figure out why.

****

Why am I here? What does it mean to be here? What exactly am I doing?

All questions which filtered through my brain throughout today in a way I could not control and not sure I wanted to…

I am 25, live in a country where due to my own laziness mostly I do not know the language bar a few phrases and words which I can piece together to gather some of the conversation. I say goodbye to people every few months. I move house and room in the same manor and seemingly have no clue what I will be doing next month, let alone in a years time or two.

I have said Yes.

Yes to a God who has shown me countless times that He is real and with me, and yet right now I don’t know how to see it. I have said Yes and now am beginning to see all the cost.

The laying down of life and the giving it all to follow Him. When the fishermen in the Bible walked away from their boats and when they didn’t pack or say goodbye to their families I wonder if they knew this kind of questioning and confusion….

Where nothing makes sense and you cannot see past the next cliff face.

‘but i gave you wings to fly’

And when am I going to see how that works? When am I going to learn to use them? How do I do this?

and it slowly occurs to me as I sit here, slightly seething with anger as I have counted all my costs, that maybe, just maybe I didn’t say Yes to a comfortable life, or for me at all.

Maybe I forgot all those words which say ‘Lean on me’, ‘Trust in me’, ‘Rely on me’ and I am spending it all trying my very hardest to get some wings to flap when I am not the one who has control of them in the first place.

I cannot see past the cliff face, I cannot see past Sunday. I am tired and I am weak and I am not sure where my strength is.

The only thing I want is to sit at someone’s feet and know that I am safe. Know that I am secure and guarded and that the mess that swells around me in this battle field is not mine to carry but that I can be here, safe and secure at your feet.

And sometimes I don’t feel like I have the space to breath in anything for the amount I breath out. It doesn’t work that way biologically, I know, so I must be breathing in something. I need to breath in more and notice when I do so that I know I can keep moving.

***

If you got this far, thank you for reading. I’m trying to promise myself I won’t be too scared next time. I hope you are having a wonderful day and that you are remembering to take some time to breath.

R/

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