i want to start again

I wrote this in April, but couldn’t…wouldn’t publish it…maybe it was to raw or to vulnerable at the time but now I want to. So here is a piece of my processing from April. When winter had just ended and I was tired. When I felt like a lot had gone wrong and I couldn’t see past my own failings, and when all I wanted was to see how it would have been if I hadn’t lost my focus on Jesus, on the one truth and light I know to be consistent and constant in life.

……

I want to start again…or rather I want to have enough time to sit and see all the things and times I missed because the clock moves too fast and the pace is doubled and I haven’t had a moment to take a breath, except for when I do, and all I do is sleep.

I want to start again, or maybe just sit and watch my life on video tape so I can see the moments that I forgot and remember the cups of tea, and pieces of cakes and fresh juicy pineapples I don’t remember the taste of.

I want to start again, but not forget the things I learnt before I fell, so that this time when I re-start I do not re-do the same mistaken steps, and maybe this time I will start again and keep on going, instead of falling and stumbling and failing.

I want to start again, but really this time I want to see and hear and taste it all, and learn and jump over the trick-ropes that cut my legs from under me. I want to start again, with my eyes never leaving your face, and my feet never leaving your well trodden footprints.

Because I know that if I start again with my eyes and feet firmly where you lead then maybe, just maybe I won’t have to start again, again.

……

I did. Start again that is. But I couldn’t watch back my life on video tape, but I read over the journals lining my bookshelf and I looked over the words underlined in my Bible. I made myself lift my eyes again, to see the Jesus I knew. I made myself re-read words I have read since I was a child, but this time I saw something else, something new, because God is good that way. I allowed myself time to see my own failings and see how to be better next time, how to choose better next time.

Choosing. I have learnt that sometimes in just is a choice. A choice to make time, a choice to lift your head, a choice to learn and move on. Sometimes it is a choice to get out of bed to run, or to not watch TV but to read. I have learnt I have a choice, as crazy as that sounds, I have a choice to move forward, to learn, to become better, to focus, to rest.

r/

 

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